Beast Mode

Warning: Emotion-heavy, personal blog post ahead.

Ever since I had my “Embrace your Magic” epiphany, I have been on a motivation high. I feel absolutely beastly, and I am loving every moment of it!

I feel fantastic, like an enormous weight of self-doubt and deprecation has been lifted from my shoulders. No clue what finally made it click in my head, since I’ve been trying to work toward self-love since I can remember.

A little background info for those of you who don’t know me all that well.

I have struggled with major depressive disorder since I was about fifteen years old. I never felt like I was good enough for any of the wonderful things in my life, and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Everyone around me told me that I was beautiful and smart, and I even heard “good at everything” a few times. Sure, on the surface it sounded good, but for whatever reason, it never resonated with me. These compliments were like water rolling off the back of a duck; I couldn’t absorb them. I’d simply mutter “thank you so much!” and be done with it. (Even that, accepting a compliment, was a process I had to work up to. For the longest time I would argue with anyone who tried to compliment me, because I needed them to realize that they were wrong. I was none of the words they were lovingly showering on me.)

I hated myself. Really, truly, I did. Even now, I am at constant war with those bad thoughts.

So, then came 2016. The year I got married, the year I discovered aerial arts, specifically aerial lyra (hoop), and the year I discovered photography.

Above are a few of my favorite photos of me in the lyra.

I had a year of incredible growth, and with each new thing I learned, it was like I was picking up a lost piece of my heart.

Then, I discovered boudoir.

I saw how I could make someone’s eyes absolutely light up just by showing them a photo of themselves.

This was when it finally started to click. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful. Everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves to see themselves as sexy. Everyone.

……… Including me.

And this began my whole “Embrace your magic” kick. I almost felt myself come alive. And for the past week or so, the feeling hasn’t subsided. It’s been a constant thrum of energy in my core that has pushed me to do some things that I never would have imagined I could do.

I’ve become a vocal advocate for sexual positivity and health.

I’ve met some of the most INCREDIBLE people.

I’ve grown my photography business from basically nothing, to something with a future, in the span of two, almost three, months; all because boudoir found me.

And the biggest leap of all:

I’ve begun to feel something less than animosity toward myself.

I don’t love myself yet, but for the first time in my entire life, I feel as though I’m actually getting there. << That is HUGE for me.

This brings me back to my original point.

If I can get to this point, from YEARS of veritable self-loathing, to finally being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, so can you.

I mainly decided to actually write this post to tell you that you ARE worth it. You are amazing, and you are beautiful (yes, YOU), and you are strong.

I shot ONE boudoir session and realized that I need to spread that message. So, this is me, spreading the love.

And for those of you who are not yet at that point of self-acceptance, know that I accept you right now. I will believe in you until you can believe in yourself.

Again:

You are worth it. You are beautiful. You are strong.

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